Is it Loneliness, is it Solitude?!

(Published in Chhaatraprabodhan)

Dr Vaishali Deshmukh

  Jui went for a Himalayan trek during the holidays. Even though she was with a group of trekkers, she spent a lot of time alone, appreciating the nature, enjoying the quiet beauty of the ancient landscape. It was her first time in the mountains, and she thoroughly enjoyed the solitude.

  Gandhaar is shifting to a new city. Ever since his father announced about the transfer, he is a bundle of nerves. ‘I am dreading this. I find it very difficult to make new friends. I fear I will be lonely there.’

  Do you see the difference between the two situations? Jui is happy to be alone whereas Gandhaar dreads being lonely! Why do some people become lonely and some don’t?

  Being alone is not always unwanted. It may be a choice. In fact, some people love being away from the crowd. It can be a good break from the hectic routine, a rejuvenating interlude. In such situations, not only are we more assertive and more creative, but can make decisions without any peer pressure. You have probably heard of the famous song written by Gurudeo Rabindranath Tagore, ‘Ekla Chalo Re’. It says that if you are sure of your own path and destination, then even if no one follows you, walk alone!

  But not everyone can enjoy being alone. Loneliness is actually a state of mind, a feeling. And that’s why, one can be lonely even in a crowd.

    Going away from home for work or for studies, joining a new school, moving home, serious problems in the family; all these can be challenging situations. If someone is shy or very anxious, has low self-esteem (doesn’t think much of himself), then he or she is more likely to avoid others and become lonely. On the other hand, some people are very aggressive, rude. They do not care for others. Obviously, nobody likes to be with them and they end up fending for themselves. What about social media? Have you come across someone who has plenty of online friends, but no one to play with? Can a virtual friend be a true friend? Internet, social media and online games eat up into all your free time, one hardly gets time to go out and make friends and one is left with no real friend.

     Being lonely can be miserable. When we are left alone, we feel excluded, sad and unwanted. There is an empty, hollow feeling within us. It breeds negativity. Moreover, these negative feelings slowly get accumulated and make the person bitter. And who would want to be friends with such a person! The result is a vicious cycle of more loneliness!

    Some of us cannot cope with loneliness and go into depression. When it becomes extreme, some even contemplate self-harm. Some deal with it in incorrect ways such as experimenting with smoking, drinking, drugs etc., whereas some take risky dares just to get into a group. It is even possible to get carried away by false sympathy and mistake it for love.

      When we do get lonely, we have to make special efforts to come out of it. Limiting the toxic use of social media and internet seems to help; so does exercise! Get into others’ shoes, find out the reason for their avoidance and try to correct it. Sometimes, there may be circumstances beyond our control and that can be frustrating. In such situations, accepting that ‘I need help’ is the first step. Talk to someone trusted. If that doesn’t work, take professional help, go to a counselor.

   A teenager once asked me if there is any sure shot formula to have lots of friends! There is no such magic wand. I can give you a few tips though. Be open, avoid judging people. Nurture a hobby. Focus on your goal. Don’t be too self-centered. In fact if we shift our focus to others, we might stop pitying ourselves and come out of the shell of loneliness. Be helpful. Most importantly, treat others exactly the way you want others to treat you!

   All said and done, let’s not forget that we need to be alone at least some time during the day; to have that precious ‘me’ time, to peep inside our mind. So, keep that loneliness at bay but don’t forget to enjoy your solitude!