HE IS STILL A CHILD!

                                                           

  It was a Saturday. A mother, father and a very reluctant looking son entered my Consulting room. It was obvious that the parents had gone to great pains to take out time together and had dragged their teenaged son along. As soon as they were seated, they started with a series of complaints against the boy. He became extremely fidgety and uncomfortable as a result. The complaints were just about everything, the studies, the behaviour, the friends, the diet, the exercise (or the lack of it), the haircut, the dress…….

When I finally managed to speak to the child alone, I got an equally vehement response. He criticized the parents, saying that they always misunderstood him, still treated him as a baby and never let him have fun!

         They are not alone. Since ancient times, people of each generation are critical of those from the next generation. The next generation in turn feels that the others are old fashioned. Times change and with it, people!

Parenting an adolescent is a demanding task. The hormones of adolescent children are surging up as a part of growing up process. Around the same time, parents are going through a midlife crisis as   menopause and andropause are knocking at their door. This clash between rising and waning hormones creates a unique situation.

The parents start dreading the ‘empty nest syndrome’ while the children are looking forward to spreading their wings and soaring into the sky. We tend to cling to the escaping childhood of our offspring, hardly realizing that the children need to become independent in order to survive in the demanding world.

Adolescents prefer their friends or peers as confidantes as they are the ones who understand their problems and can offer acceptable, though not always sound, solutions. Peers are an integral part of adolescence as they are capable of exerting positive influences.

There is a need to equip adolescents with the core life skills which include critical and creative thinking, problem solving, decision making, coping with stress and emotions, self awareness, empathy and interpersonal relationships. They need to be taught to take responsibility for their actions. It is also helpful if children are explained the changes taking place in them and how to cope with those, from time to time.

Today, we are exposed to a lot of necessary and unnecessary information. Technology is advancing in leaps and bounds. Computers have become an integral part of our lives today. Any information, right from the speed of light to ‘Ten sure ways of winning a girlfriend’, is at our fingertips. So even though the ground rules of parenting remain the same, they have to be modified to accommodate the changing scenario. It is out of the question to stop the youngsters from using technology. Keeping a tab on all their activities too is next to impossible. Here comes the usefulness of making them self sufficient so they can discern between good and bad.

Active listening and open communication helps! This has been known to act as a protective factor. Also, youngsters appreciate it if they are dealt with on an adult to adult basis.

It is said that at this stage parents need to become consultants rather than managers. They can discuss the problem, various options and consequences of the possible decisions. After that it is up to the youngster to take the final decision and act accordingly. In short, we need to detach ourselves a bit and let the adolescent become a responsible adult.

Finally, it might be entertaining to read what Hesiod said as far back as 800 BC, “ I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words…When I was a boy, we were exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint.”