It was a Saturday.
A mother, father and a very reluctant looking son entered my Consulting room.
It was obvious that the parents had gone to great pains to take out time
together and had dragged their teenaged son along. As soon as they were seated,
they started with a series of complaints against the boy. He became extremely
fidgety and uncomfortable as a result. The complaints were just about everything,
the studies, the behaviour, the friends, the diet, the exercise (or the lack of
it), the haircut, the dress…….
When I finally
managed to speak to the child alone, I got an equally vehement response. He criticized
the parents, saying that they always misunderstood him, still treated him as a
baby and never let him have fun!
They are not alone. Since ancient
times, people of each generation are critical of those from the next
generation. The next generation in turn feels that the others are old
fashioned. Times change and with it, people!
Parenting an
adolescent is a demanding task. The hormones of adolescent children are surging
up as a part of growing up process. Around the same time, parents are going
through a midlife crisis as menopause and andropause are knocking at their
door. This clash between rising and waning hormones creates a unique situation.
The parents start
dreading the ‘empty nest syndrome’ while the children are looking forward to
spreading their wings and soaring into the sky. We tend to cling to the
escaping childhood of our offspring, hardly realizing that the children need to
become independent in order to survive in the demanding world.
Adolescents prefer
their friends or peers as confidantes as they are the ones who understand their
problems and can offer acceptable, though not always sound, solutions. Peers
are an integral part of adolescence as they are capable of exerting positive
influences.
There is a need to
equip adolescents with the core life skills which include critical and creative
thinking, problem solving, decision making, coping with stress and emotions,
self awareness, empathy and interpersonal relationships. They need to be taught
to take responsibility for their actions. It is also helpful if children are
explained the changes taking place in them and how to cope with those, from
time to time.
Today, we are
exposed to a lot of necessary and unnecessary information. Technology is advancing in leaps and bounds. Computers have become an integral part of our lives today. Any information, right from the speed of light to ‘Ten sure ways of winning a girlfriend’, is at our fingertips. So even though the
ground rules of parenting remain the same, they have to be modified to
accommodate the changing scenario. It is out of the question
to stop the youngsters from using technology. Keeping a tab on all their activities too
is next to impossible. Here
comes the usefulness of making them self sufficient so they can discern between
good and bad.
Active listening
and open communication helps! This has been known to act as a protective
factor. Also, youngsters appreciate it if they are dealt with on an adult to
adult basis.
It is said that at
this stage parents need to become consultants rather than managers. They can discuss
the problem, various options and consequences of the possible decisions. After
that it is up to the youngster to take the final decision and act accordingly. In
short, we need to detach ourselves a bit and let the adolescent become a
responsible adult.
